I don’t want you to see me cry. I don’t want you to have that satisfaction, I don’t want you to see my humane side; I’m scared you will take advantage of it. I dont want to admit to myself how much power you have over me, much less for you to know about it. I don’t want you to know how truly emotional I am.
Laugh it off. Don’t let it get to you, if it does- dont let it bug you, if it does- don’t let them know how much it bugs you. Free yourself from any emotion- thats my slogan. ‘It doesn’t matter, they don’t matter’- that’s my mantra, when the pin-prick of tears begin to sting my eyes.
There are different shades of anger. For me, there’s the part when you are really and truly annoyed, then there’s pissed- completely and totally pissed. There’s mad also- downright mad then after all these comes angry. No matter how bad the situation, I try my best not to get angry.
Why? You ask.
Well, sometime around the puberty years, I had this emotional rewiring which connected my tear ducts to wherever the anger comes from. So you have never seen me truly angry until you’ve seen me cry. What then is the point of anger? ‘Bottle it up, it doesn’t matter, don’t be angry. Lock it up, it’ll do you no good, they’ll see you cry.’ Another mantra. You can’t see me cry, you don’t deserve to.
But it doesn’t always work out. The mantras fail, the slogan is ineffective against my pent-up raging emotions, and like Pandora’s box, the lid goes off and they all come flying out and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
So when I cry and you ask why, I’ll tell you nothing. “Its nothing” Because the rational part of me keeps telling me that this isn’t worth tears, its nothing to cry about so it’s nothing. Nothing to you at least, but to me its something. Something that causes my heart ache, and hurt to my soul and I can’t take it anymore, so I cry. And even if/when I explain, do you truly understand?
Will you understand me when I cry?
A/N: I hate being emotional. Sometimes, i wish I was a log of wood. Unfeeling. With no emotions AT ALL. No hurt, no pain, no sadness, in fact no love also. Sometimes everything seems so unbearable, not because they are, but because of how overwhelmed you are by your emotions. But, oh-well there’s a no refund emotion policy, once you got it, you got it. No take backs. So make what you will of it. Yes, this is me psyching myself up BTW. On a final note, I’d like to add: Although I hate to cry, everything always feels better after a good cry.
So the song playing in my head right now is Big Girls Cry by Sia, cos🎶…big girls cry when their hearts are breaking.
And I’d also like to say an enormous thank you, to everyone who took time out to read my last post, the words of encouragement and support… Sigh. No words. Just thank you very much.
🍔 Cheeseburger out.