thoughts at midnight, Uncategorized

THOUGHTS BY MIDNIGHT 

I can’t sleep, exam prep has driven me near the verge of insomnia, I fell asleep while I was praying around 10pm, I don’t think I lasted 20 minutes, Ireti goes for at least an hour. 

My big brother called by 11:20pm, I’m quite a light sleeper and he’s kind of a night crawler (don’t tell him I said so)– he was actually coming from work. 

Anyways, I woke up, opened the gate for him, gave him dinner and now he’s asleep on his bed while I’ve been tossing and turning for the past 2 hours.

It’s actually partly due to my anxiety issues, I told my mum I’m better now so I’ve stopped using my meds. Ireti used to have serious ADHD and she’s stopped using her meds for over a year now and she’s good, I asked her how she did it and she told me two words: 

Radical faith

If she can do it, so can I, I guess.

She found Jesus sometime last year after she had been molested at a party and now he’s basically the only thing she knows, and the Holy Spirit too, she’s always calling on the Holy Spirit. 

Me, I’ve been a Christian since I was maybe 5, so if she can do it, I see no reason why I can’t. 

Then there’s also the part of Christians being foolish and not using their medication, Tamuno says that God created medicine for a reason, people got sick in the Bible and were told to drink wine, that wine had medicinal value, God also advocates for medication and I should stop being foolish and use my drugs before my blood pressure skyrockets. But Ireti says that ‘what you believe will work for you’

I believe in God, he should work for me. 

That’s not even the reason I’m awake, I mean, the anxiety is keeping me awake and all, but I’m not having anxiety issues over my anxiety issues (make what you will of that). I’m having anxiety issues over the fact that it’s admission season and the past 2 years I applied to schools and always got bounced off my dream course (I think it’s this whole admission fiasco that legit triggered off my anxiety issues and made them worse) 

Anyways, my Mum thinks I should just stop going after my dream course which is Medical Lab Science and go for something else like Microbiology or Forensic Science just so I can enter school this year. Admission letters would start coming out by next week, so the idea of being bounced off Medical Lab Science, again has kept me awake for so long. 

Ireti advised me to pray about it and ask God what I should do. Let me be sincere here, the first time I did that, I went to my room, locked myself up, went on my knees, and I fell asleep on less than 10 minutes. 

Sigh.

It’s like God is not interested in telling me much about my future right now. Tamuno says that I should do what feels right to me, I should go with my gut instinct, but first of all, I’m not an animal, I don’t believe in gut instinct. Second of all, even if I did believe in gut instinct, I don’t even know what my gut wants again because I’m so confused. And I don’t want to tell Ireti that I can’t hear anything from God, I’ve been a Christian for longer than her, if she can hear from God, I see no reason why I can’t.

All these thoughts have been playing and replaying in my head in different ways for the past 2 hours and I have been unable to sleep. Let me try again sha. 

xoxo,
Dani

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Let’s just behave like I’ve not been on a hiatus for like ever. Let’s just behave like this is not my first blog post of the year. Let’s just act natural and let’s pray that I have the strength, courage and enablement to pay part #2 of this tomorrow.

Hi guys, it’s been way toooo long and I’m sincerely sorry. I’ve been dealing with life for quite a while now (it’s been pretty fun BTW) so I’ve been too caught up to even remember that I own a blog. Ife called me last week (God bless her for me) and she said that she’s waiting for my write-ups and sincerely, so have I. During my over extended blog break, I tried to learn how to develop myself not just as a writer, but as a Christian writer, so here I am. I’m here to stay– by God’s grace, and that grace had better be sufficient. 

Adios, 
Mure.  

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At His Feet

2017: LESSONS LEARNT 

LESSONS THE HOLY SPIRIT TAUGHT ME ON PATIENCE

2017 has been a wonderful year for me quite frankly, I did things I’d never have thought myself capable of doing and accomplished some wonderful feats. All these beautiful reports didn’t happen overnight mind you, there was always a constant effort to push and keep pushing, there were lots of frustrating moments, depressing moments, and even sad ones. There was a lot of trial and error involved in my learning process and also times I hated myself for not being good enough and for not being up to standard.

Through it all however, God’s Holy Spirit was there with me to guard, to guide and to teach, and I want to share with you the lesson I learnt on patience this year.

If you ever ask me ‘what fruit of the Spirit do you exercise the least?’ I don’t think I’ll even give a thought before I mention patience. I always tell people that when God was creating me, and depositing in me attributes for my personality, he ran out of stock on patience and just had to send me down to earth without it.

I hate waiting; patience to me is more of a waste of time than a virtue. 

I hate waiting in line, I hate waiting for food, I hate waiting for people, I hate waiting for my phone to stop hanging, I hate waiting for anything and everything! Worse off, I hate waiting for myself. I love learning new things, however, if I don’t learn as quickly as I usually do, I start hating myself for not being good enough, I start hating myself for not being able to do whatever, all because I’m not patient enough to wait for myself to learn. If I’m wearing a fitted long skirt and I have to take short steps as I walk I can’t bear to be patient enough to wait for one foot to land on the ground as I walk. It’s that bad.

In my journey with God and relationship with Him, I hate that I’m at one level of my spiritual life and moving forward is such a long and slow process. God had to teach me this year, that there is a process to things, you don’t just emerge. A flower doesn’t just bloom; a caterpillar doesn’t just become a butterfly, in life there is a metamorphosis process that can never be ignored. 

I learnt that there is a process to everything and you don’t just emerge, you have to be patient and you have to trust the process.

I was listening to Travis Greene’s ‘You Waited’ last night and I realised just how patient God is. He also wants to see us bloom and emerge as beautiful butterflies, but He knows He has to take us through a making process and He does so patiently, even when we mess up, even when we fail. He patiently takes us back to the drawing board and teaches us everything we need to learn. I went back to all the times in my life that my parents, my teachers, my friends and loved ones, just weren’t patient enough with me, I recollected their disappointments, frustrations, anger and annoyance and I tried to imagine if God ever had any of those feelings towards me. I recalled all the times I’d given up on certain things, all the times I’d gone into depression and hated myself just because I couldn’t be patient enough to allow myself learn, and I realised that God was still there, patiently waiting to teach me. Even when I sinned He patiently waited for me to come back to him.

All the times I wasn’t patient enough for me, he was always there waiting patiently.

I learnt that God didn’t run out of stock on patience when creating me, I know that I am created in His likeness; if he can be patient, so can I.

I know that all his works are good, and I am assured that as He created me, he put in a good measure of patience, I just find it hard to exercise the patience he gave me that’s all. I’m going to have to dig deep and ask the Holy Spirit to help me find the patience that He deposited in me from creation and help me to use it maximally.

Where would I be, if you left me?


In all honesty, I really don’t want to know. I don’t want to know where I would be if God hadn’t waited, just so he could teach me patience.

What Amazing Grace, that you’ve shown so patiently,

And you waited for me, just for me

Oh oh oh.

Thank you Jesus, for Amazing Grace.

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EXP #1

EXP #1.26

EXP #1 has been made easier to read. In all installments, along with the authors note, there are navigation pointers attached to guide you to either the previous post (which has << inserted before the attached links) or the next post (which has >> before the attached link). To get other installments of EXP #1 search for the category EXP #1 in the search box and this will bring out all EXP #1 posts in the order of newest to oldest.

<<EXP #1.25

Or click here to start over from EXP #1

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Brino” Bruno said to me through the phone later that night.

“Stop disturbing me I want to sleep” I told him, hoping my tone was nasty enough to put him off. He’d been calling me non-stop since I hung up on him earlier today when he told me that he’d not been able to get anything tangible off the Slave Master’s computer, causing me to have an asthma attack in vain.

“Brino I’m sorry” he said.

“Is that all? Can I go to bed now?” I snapped.

“No” he said.

“What else?” I asked impatiently.

“Did you see Walter today?”

“What do you mean ‘Did I see Walter?’ How would I be able to see Walter, I’m locked up in this place all day” I was already annoyed.

“I saw him at the Slave Master’s house” Bruno said.

“What?” all my previous emotions were replaced by curiosity.

“Yeah, he came in as I was leaving, at first I wasn’t sure it was him, but one of the men greeted him and called his name, confirming my suspicion”

“What was Walter doing here?” I asked nonplussed.

“I don’t know. That’s why I called to ask if you saw him”

“No, I didn’t” I said to him as my head started spinning in different directions.

Walter was part of the den of thieves I used to move with before I met Bruno. He was Idris’ right-hand man; just like he’d found me and took me in, Idris had done same for Walter years before he met me and they were totally inseparable. You know how people say no smoke without fire? Well, Walter was the smoke to Idris’ fire.

I sat on my bed and sighed into the phone.

What business did Walter have with the Slave Master?

Did Idris know of Walter’s business with the Slave Master?

My head was a tangle of jumbled thoughts as I thought back to the last time I’d seen Walter, it was at a party nearly 2 months ago, a party Bruno had advised me not to go to. When I first saw him, I turned in the other direction hoping he hadn’t seen me, later events of the night had proven otherwise as Walter and a bunch of my other old friends had come up to me, we started talking and one thing led to another, he eventually dared me to steal a car; the car that landed me in my current situation if I might add.

“Brino, Brino, are you still there?” Bruno asked.

“Yeah” I replied slowly as I surfaced from the sea of my thoughts “Yeah, I’m here. I was just thinking of the last time I saw Walter”

“What happened?”

“He dared me to steal a car” I replied simply.

“Oh” Bruno said “… wait… you don’t mean…”

I could practically see the wheels spinning in his head so I kept quiet.

“You don’t mean that car. The Slave Master’s car? Right?”

I sighed into the phone giving him his answer.

“Coincidence much?” I finally said with a humourless laugh.

“Could it be a coincidence? Really?” Bruno voiced out my very thoughts.

The person who had dared me to a steal car, ended up in the house of the very person who owned the car I stole, while I was on house arrest there. What were the odds of that?

“It has to be a co-incidence” I said into the phone with doubt injected heavy into my words “it just has to be. Walter dared me to break into any car I wanted, it was a full parking lot and he wouldn’t have known the car I’d pick.”

My head was spinning wildly; I could feel my brain overheating already. I analysed everything from that night up to the present moment. Nothing was making sense.
I heard Bruno sigh into the phone moments later, as I recalled events that had taken place today and I was tempted to tell Bruno of the deal I made with the Slave Master just this evening, the only thing that stopped me was the statement the Slave Master made after I shook his hand.

“One more thing” he’d said through his devilish smile.

I blinked ‘what?’

“No one, no one at all must find out about this. Understood?”

I nodded yes.

“Alright, good night” at that he shifted his chair and left me alone in the dinning room.

“Bruno I’m tired” I said into the phone at last.

“Yeah, me too” he sighed “good night”

>>EXP #1.27

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