thoughts at midnight, Uncategorized

THOUGHTS BY MIDNIGHT 

I can’t sleep, exam prep has driven me near the verge of insomnia, I fell asleep while I was praying around 10pm, I don’t think I lasted 20 minutes, Ireti goes for at least an hour. 

My big brother called by 11:20pm, I’m quite a light sleeper and he’s kind of a night crawler (don’t tell him I said so)– he was actually coming from work. 

Anyways, I woke up, opened the gate for him, gave him dinner and now he’s asleep on his bed while I’ve been tossing and turning for the past 2 hours.

It’s actually partly due to my anxiety issues, I told my mum I’m better now so I’ve stopped using my meds. Ireti used to have serious ADHD and she’s stopped using her meds for over a year now and she’s good, I asked her how she did it and she told me two words: 

Radical faith

If she can do it, so can I, I guess.

She found Jesus sometime last year after she had been molested at a party and now he’s basically the only thing she knows, and the Holy Spirit too, she’s always calling on the Holy Spirit. 

Me, I’ve been a Christian since I was maybe 5, so if she can do it, I see no reason why I can’t. 

Then there’s also the part of Christians being foolish and not using their medication, Tamuno says that God created medicine for a reason, people got sick in the Bible and were told to drink wine, that wine had medicinal value, God also advocates for medication and I should stop being foolish and use my drugs before my blood pressure skyrockets. But Ireti says that ‘what you believe will work for you’

I believe in God, he should work for me. 

That’s not even the reason I’m awake, I mean, the anxiety is keeping me awake and all, but I’m not having anxiety issues over my anxiety issues (make what you will of that). I’m having anxiety issues over the fact that it’s admission season and the past 2 years I applied to schools and always got bounced off my dream course (I think it’s this whole admission fiasco that legit triggered off my anxiety issues and made them worse) 

Anyways, my Mum thinks I should just stop going after my dream course which is Medical Lab Science and go for something else like Microbiology or Forensic Science just so I can enter school this year. Admission letters would start coming out by next week, so the idea of being bounced off Medical Lab Science, again has kept me awake for so long. 

Ireti advised me to pray about it and ask God what I should do. Let me be sincere here, the first time I did that, I went to my room, locked myself up, went on my knees, and I fell asleep on less than 10 minutes. 

Sigh.

It’s like God is not interested in telling me much about my future right now. Tamuno says that I should do what feels right to me, I should go with my gut instinct, but first of all, I’m not an animal, I don’t believe in gut instinct. Second of all, even if I did believe in gut instinct, I don’t even know what my gut wants again because I’m so confused. And I don’t want to tell Ireti that I can’t hear anything from God, I’ve been a Christian for longer than her, if she can hear from God, I see no reason why I can’t.

All these thoughts have been playing and replaying in my head in different ways for the past 2 hours and I have been unable to sleep. Let me try again sha. 

xoxo,
Dani

___________

Let’s just behave like I’ve not been on a hiatus for like ever. Let’s just behave like this is not my first blog post of the year. Let’s just act natural and let’s pray that I have the strength, courage and enablement to pay part #2 of this tomorrow.

Hi guys, it’s been way toooo long and I’m sincerely sorry. I’ve been dealing with life for quite a while now (it’s been pretty fun BTW) so I’ve been too caught up to even remember that I own a blog. Ife called me last week (God bless her for me) and she said that she’s waiting for my write-ups and sincerely, so have I. During my over extended blog break, I tried to learn how to develop myself not just as a writer, but as a Christian writer, so here I am. I’m here to stay– by God’s grace, and that grace had better be sufficient. 

Adios, 
Mure.  

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MY FEAR IV

Click here for previous post.
​1 John 4:18 KJV

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

_________

And that’s how I found the perfect scripture to end this.

‘There is no fear in love for perfect love casts out fear.’

BAM! 

The End

🍔 Cheeseburger

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MY FEAR III

Love anyways;

Its better to be heart-broken than heartless.

Love Anyways.

That was the solution to heart break.

To embrace the one thing that I knew would break me.

Sigh.

It was easier said than done, I have to admit.

After having shut off my heart for so long,

I didn’t know how to love again.

I tried and failed countless times.

I had succeeded not just in breaking my own heart,

But also in breaking myself.

I was broken.

I broke me.

I don’t know how he managed to do it, or why,

All I know is that at the point where I was at my all-time low

Jesus came and had mercy on me,

He came and helped me mend my broken heart,

He began to fill me with himself,

To fill me with his love.

Slowly, but surely, I began to love again.

As I began to love Jesus, he taught me to love myself,

To love my neighbours and even my enemies.

He taught me the purest form of love from which there’s no heartbreak.

I’m still learning though, I’m his work in progress.

But he fixed my heart up and saved me from one of my greatest fears.

________

🍔 Cheeseburger.

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MY FEAR II

But I later got to learn, however,

That shielding my heart away from love, 

Broke me more than any boy ever would.

My heart had become an impentrable fortress,

And I was suffering.

When you decide not to love, its like deciding to stop pumping blood.

You’ll die.

And that’s what happened to me.

I thought I was protecting myself, instead I was breaking my own heart, killing myself.

I became a person I never meant to become.

I had a good heart; I had good intentions when I closed all the doors for crying out loud!

But I didn’t have a loving heart, and I slowly began to die.

I slowly began to welcome bitterness, envy, jealousy and even hate,

All because I was too scared to love.

In a bid to secure my heart, I damaged it;

The very thing I tried to avoid still came to me,

As I was heartbroken when I realised the person I’d become.

So what is the solution then?

Love Anyways.

It’s better to be heartbroken, than to be heartless.

__________

Still to be continued…

🍔 Cheeseburger.

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MY FEAR 

You have to understand I’ve always been scared.

I wasn’t scared to love. No, that’s easy. 

I was scared of love; of what it would do to me. 

I’d seen too many movies and read too many books and I understood the concept. 

Being in love was amazing, it made you ecstatic, put you on an all time high. 

But I also understand the concept of life, that every good thing must come to an end. 

So, I became scared.

I was scared of love, of what would happen to me whenever I got off that high that came along with it. 

I was scared of being broken, terrified of heart break.

So I decided not to love; it was the only way to ensure my protection. 

I put on locks and bolted the doors and cut off all roads leading to my heart. 

My heart became an impenetrable fortress. 

I was glad, my heart was secure. 

But I was insecure. 

__________

To be continued… 

🍔 Cheeseburger. 

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